2012 (2009) - ★★★★☆

When I looked up who invented movies, my computer told me it was Thomas Edison. I'm choosing to simply not believe that "fact" because I think it sounds silly and unbelievable. We all know Thomas Edison invented the gravity. Isn't that enough for him? Anyway, whoever it was who REALLY invented movies, I hope they're still alive today (or, at least were alive in 2009) because 2012 is quite simply a perfect movie, and was probably exactly what the creator of movies had in mind when they invented them. I'm not going to bother to elaborate on this point, because if you don't agree with me, you'll simply never understand.

On top of this being the perfect movie, I kind of liked it. I mean, sure, it seems like whoever made it forgot about the entire continent of Africa (and possibly the people on it? Very unclear on this) until the end of the movie and then decided that it would be the perfect place to send all the terrible rich people who bought 100 billion dollar tickets to get on board an ark in order to survive the actual end of the world. And speaking of those rich people and government officials who coordinated the deaths of every other person on Earth (except, perhaps, those living in Africa—again, very unclear), they faced zero consequences for literally caring about some stupid statues and paintings more than they cared about other people (while this may indeed be accurate to reality, it's still not fun to see). But other than these minor flaws, this movie was actually pretty enjoyable! I cried a few times and even gasped.

Here's Woody. Be sure to check out Woody's Hats after you finish reading, because there's a great update waiting for you :)

Woody's character, who I think was named Charlie Frost, is obviously the hero, even though he's only in the first third of this movie (proof that this is a perfect movie: it's 2 hours and 38 minutes, which is absolutely the ideal length for a movie). Charlie Frost is the host of a radio show where he tries to inform the general public that not only will the world soon come to an end, but that every single rich person in the world is in cahoots and secretly has plans to get on huge boats and survive, leaving everyone else to die. Of course, no one believes him—isn't that always the way with prophets? I mean, many people don't believe that 5G towers are responsible for coronavirus, or that Queen Elizabeth, George Bush, and Hillary Clinton are all actually reptile aliens who are responsible for 9/11, but I imagine some day, those disbelievers will be proved wrong just as the ones in this movie were. In 2012, the forces of the very Earth conspire to prove Woody's character right, and like any good martyr, he parishes in the molten lava of the volcano whose arrival he foretold. It's fitting that as Christ the Redeemer crumbles to the ground in Rio de Janeiro, a new man sacrifices himself for the sake of humanity. Thank you, Woody.