Venom (2018) - ★☆☆☆☆

I've made a lot of sacrifices for Woody along this journey. I watched all of Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me for a 3 second Woody cameo. I watched Anger Management, Friends With Benefits, and five movies with Jessie Eisenberg in them—and worse, one with Will Farrell! I began this adventure by watching Kingpin, a movie with the most disrespectful depiction of the Amish community I can imagine (and I would know). 

I've made sacrifices, yes. But not without reward! This project has taught me way more than I ever thought it could when I set out upon this journey. Not only have I gotten to know Woody, but I've gotten to know myself, and more importantly, I feel like I've gotten to know the entire demographic of people who have ever enjoyed a Woody Harrelson movie (which has to be, like, basically everyone alive. 79 movies is kind of a lot!!). I'm serious—I haven't enjoyed all of these movies, but even those, I can imagine someone somewhere enjoying. That person and I, no matter how different we are (and let me tell you, someone who enjoyed Adam Sandler's Anger Management would have to be a person pretty different from me), have something in common—our love and respect for Woody Harrelson. And I think that's pretty special.

Here's an example:

As Venom began to play, I had a sick feeling in my stomach. The bright red and white Marvel logo before the film incited spasms of hatred and disappointment within me. That's what Tom Hardy looks like? I thought. It was a slog, to say the least, especially when my sneaking suspicion that Woody would only appear in the famous after-credits scene was confirmed.

But all the while, there was another part of me, thinking about someone else; someone who is not me, who was watching the movie and enjoying it.

This little friend inside my brain was watching Venom in the movie theater. In their world, there is no coronavirus, and movies from 2018 play in theaters all the time. My little homunculus was watching Venom for perhaps the third or fourth time. This round, they decided to get Sour Patch Kids instead of their usual Twizzlers and popcorn, just to mix things up. The Marvel logo filled them with joy, and they couldn't help feeling a twist of excitement in their stomach as the movie began. There's one of my favorite actors, Tom Hardy, they thought. I heard them as they left the theater, repeating the funniest lines as they tossed their trash in its receptacle. "You're a loser, Eddie," they'd say, trying to replicate the scary, raspy voice of the alien monster, "Have a nice life." They wouldn't do a good job. They wouldn't sound like Tom Hardy. But that wouldn't matter. Maybe they'd head home afterwards and crack open their brand new copy of Christopher Paolini's new science fiction novel, To Sleep In A Sea of Stars, just like I did that night.

I'm torn, now, between two warring instincts. "Let people enjoy things," shouts the tiny little man in my head, the one whose breath smells of Sour Patch Kids. "This movie sucks," my own brain answers.

Both can probably be true. 

In the end, we're all human—inextricably bound together for all eternity by a force much greater than ourselves. I'm not talking about God, or Darwin, or whatever. I'm speaking, of course, of the only thing every human being alive has in common—undying love and respect for the one and only Woody Harrelson.

Can't wait for Venom 2.